The Mirror I Can't Ignore

Some one asked me a few weeks ago, "what happened to your blog?" and my response was "The Election." This is mostly true as my hours increased and I had less free time. However, that is not all that was going on. Just mere weeks after choosing to document my triumphs via the web I began to meet failure.

My journey thus far has been extremely successful. As you can see in my initial post I lost a lot of weight in a healthy way by learning to incorporate some good habits. I managed to keep it off for over a year and was learning to not measure my self worth based on the 3 digit number I see in the morning. My summer was decent I managed to exercise pretty consistently and to watch what I ate to some extent. But something was their beneath the surface. My old friend of self entitlement began to make his way back into my life whispering lies to my soul.

I say old friend because self entitlement at one point in my life ruled me. I based everything off of what was 'best' for me, what felt right, I did what ever made me happy. This played itself out in my life most obviously with eating. Because I felt like everything around me was crumbling, and the only thing that felt good was eating bread, ice cream, cookies, and Mexican food. Self entitlement plays a sly role, he comes in to your life and shows you a good time, and for a while life is good. You buy what you want, you eat what you want, you say what you want, you do what you want. All the while you are actually hurting yourself. Self entitlement stocks you, learning your weaknesses, then he strikes, blinding you, and then just like that he is gone and your life is in pieces.

It is like being in a room bleeding and all of a sudden scales drop from your eyes and you realize you are the only one in the room and you are holding the knife that has periced your flesh. The beauty of the scales falling off and the realization that you are the reason you are alone in a room holding the knife is that you can then hear the faint knockings on the door. As you focus on the faint knocks they become louder and more fierce. You then realize the knocks are not becoming louder, but your heart is finally choosing to listen. You begin to hear the words of the one knocking saying, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light." (Matt 11:28-30). 


The only thing that separates those who live for Jesus and those who do not is opening the door when you hear the call from Jesus to leave a life of burden and to live a life committed to him. Many believe that the path to follow Jesus is the easy path. That if you choose to follow Christ your life will be one that is easy. That is only true in one way. Choosing to follow Christ is only the easier choice because it gives you the peace to know that your are not alone and that there is a purpose for every thing. Unfortunately it does not mean that we will not meet trials and tribulations in fact those are guaranteed in this life. 


My encounter with Jesus happened years ago yet there are still doors in my heart that are locked that he continues to knock on and pursue ever so faithfully. There are even some doors in my heart that where once opened to him that have closed to him many times (my perpetual journeys). One such journey is my journey of selflessness which is continually affected by my sinful nature of self entitlement. 


I admit it, I want my life to be all about me not all the time and not in every aspect, but I certainly want it to be about me in some ways. This plays out most predominately in my life when it comes to food. Food has an incredible stronghold over various members of my family and has definitely affected me as well. I love food and I have never been shy about it. My feelings of self entitlement play out in a very obvious way. I gain weight because I feel like my time should be spent my way.


I am a victim of "you deserve it" lies or "you work hard" lies that begin to slowly seep into my heart and show themselves later when I can't fit into my jeans. So there it is the real reason I have avoided the accountability that my blog creates, the true mirror that I cannot avoid. Because even if no one reads this it is a documentation of truth which I can't ignore. I ate what I wanted and didn't take the time to exercise because I told my self I was working to hard and needed rest. Like any lie there is always a small element of truth, but there is always steps we can take to incorporate healthy choices into our lives even if we can't hit the gym consistently. I could have chosen low calorie meals but instead I splurged and justified it all the way. I even at one point accused the scale of being low on battery because my weight was up.



So here I stand admitting to the world (or to my small group of faithful readers) that everything I stood for went out the window in the past few weeks. I stand here slightly heavier saying to self entitlement "be gone" and saying to the Lord "help" 

Lord help me to continually purge my life of things that are not of you. To continually seek the reshaping that comes with knowing and living for you. Help me to learn that I deserve nothing and yet you give me all that I need. Help me to learn to stand firmly against the lies that try to bind me. Teach me to know what is good for me and to pursue that, to know when enough is enough, and to continually hand over keys to locked doors in my life so that you can fill them. Praise you for your patience with me as I continue to take this journey of being a better reflection of you. Amen

Words

Words are one of the most powerful forces in the world-they can lift you up and push you towards the path that God has for you, or they can destroy you. If you have never been affected by words then consider yourself blessed. I had a conversation a few weeks ago and after the conversation I felt completely destroyed. I felt hurt and worthless and since then I have reflected, I did not want the hurt to define me. The pain was something i needed to face and then to heal from. 

Healing is an important part of growing. Facing what has caused you pain and choosing to move beyond the pain is what makes you strong. Choosing to surrender your pain to the one who knows the ultimate suffering is saying, "I will follow you in all things Lord" 

When you refuse to forgive those around you for pain that they have caused, you harden your heart towards God. When you refuse to suppress your pride and avoid apologizing when you have caused someone pain, you harden your heart towards God.

I encourage you to search your heart for unhealed hurts, to be strong enough to say, "Lord take this and help me move passed this." I encourage you to search your heart for words you may have said that have wounded those around you and to counteract pride, and search out forgiveness. 

Take the next step in pursuing a healthy attitude, a healthy heart, and agree to move on.

Positive Relationships are KEY

Today I read an article that stated that more that 75% of women act weird around food. The article was promoting being what they called a "Happy Eater" and I was confronted with the likelihood that I was one such case. I have come so far since my struggle with an eating disorder that I felt I could dismiss the article completely. However, as I thought about it I realized that I mostly have a good relationship with food;  but, there is still apart of me that falls into new traps. I no longer view food as a source of comfort, I no longer mindlessly eat. But I do feel guilty sometimes when I eat dessert and missing a workout can really ruin my day. I do not fear food anymore but I do fear loosing control. I fear that one day I will wake up and I will be right where I started, unhealthy, overweight, and miserable. I allow what I eat to alter how I view myself. 

I see now what  journey God has before me-to learn to accept myself for the way that I am. To have my goal be something that is attainable and long lasting-good health. I don't want my goal to be weight loss instead my goal is going to be long lasting overall, good health.

Living without but with all that matters

Travis and I truly believe that when we have a family we want me to be able to stay home with the kids. In today's economy this can seem almost impossible because of the high cost of living. When we got married we both wanted to do our best to see this goal through, so we have committed to living off of Travis's salary alone. We depend on his salary to provide all of our needs and you know what-we are comfortable! The most valuable lesson that we have learned is to simply redefine what needs and wants are and to live according to those standards.

Our Needs:

Charitable Givings

Savings

Rent and Utilities

Bills

Gas to get to work

Groceries

Every item on this list is provided by Travis's salary. This has taught us an incredible lesson on learning to define and live within our means. True we are not able to go on a ton of vacations or buy all the clothes we want; but, we are HAPPY and CONTENT with our lifestyle. We enjoy all that we have and don't desire what others have. This practice alone has made our relationship better because we both understand what truly matters in this life.  Its about who you walk through life with and not what you walk through life with. Being content with our lifestyle for sure contributes to our health we stress less and have less to worry about because we have truly chosen the simple life.

Understanding that relationships are the most important thing in life and living like you believe it is easier said than done. God calls us to put our relationships above all earthly things. I encourage you to evaluate your lifestyle. Determine where your priorities are and if your life reflects them. Determine what controls your decisions-who is your God? 

Take the next step and choose a simpler life and see how much better you feel :)

Don't go to Corner Bakery hungry....

I know...I know...why else would you go to Corner Bakery if you weren't hungry but really don't go there hungry. 

Some of you may be aware of my sweet tooth (thanks Dad) and anything chocolate really makes me happy. BUT over the last year or so I have tried to learn to control my sweet tooth. At first I decided that I wouldn't eat sweets. LOL What a joke that was, I think I lasted like 10minutes before I had a bite of chocolate cake. Obviously that did not work so I decided that I would eat low fat desserts. This to some extent worked but I admit I would eat three 100calorie ice cream bars because they just didn't satisfy my sweet tooth. 

Eventually I eased my way into a balance that I still use. When I want something sweet I have a bite or two immediately and I don't beat my self up for it. I simply enjoy it and move on with my day. Learning that I was able to have sweets almost every day and still loose weight was such a great lesson for me. Portions are my enemy not food itself. With this I have been able to enjoy most anything I want. The great thing for me personally is that after a year I no longer crave sweets as often-but I still do crave them :)

I worked a very long day yesterday and neither Travis or I wanted to cook. Plus it was so hot-who wants to turn on the stove at all. We decided to go out to dinner. Travis (for once) could care less where we went so I had to choose. First we drove to Chillies, but the wait was to long so we went to Chipotle but that wait was long too. We decided to go to The Corner Bakery which was right across the path from Chipotle. By the time we walked through the doors we were both really hungry. 

Do you know what they line the path to the cashier with??? BREAD!!!!!!! And the first thing you see when you get to the cashier.....DESSERT!!!!!!!!!! I thought how am I suppose to combat this. So we order our meals and Travis and I order a Pumpkin Gingerbread Baby Bunt Cake. It was fabulous. Should I have ordered it and taken a bite before my dinner...probably not....but it was so good!

This got me thinking about sweets in general. Is it necessarily bad to eat dessert? Does it mean that I have fallen off track and that I cannot be healthy? My answer: Absolutely not! What I eat is a very large part of my health, but it is not all there is to my overall health. Physical activity is also a huge factor and what I do with my time also impacts my health.

What I have committed to doing this past week is going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time. This week I have noticed a huge difference in my overall energy and attitude. I used to take a nap in the middle of the day because I just was not getting enough sleep. This past week I have been planning out when I will go to bed and preparing to do so. For a while I was suffering with insomnia-which was not fun. There is nothing more frustrating then being tired and not being able to sleep. By focusing on more than what I eat and how I exercise I have been able to feel better during the day and make better use of my time :)

Lesson learned- don't feel guilty about eating dessert and go to sleep at the same time every night.

Up to date...my journey so far

After successfully loosing 30 pounds before walking down the aisle I have spent the majority of the last year maintaining my weight. It has been a journey that has brought joys and a lesson in beauty. 

For as long as I can remember weight has been the most popular topic that my family and friends talk about. From the time I was little I can remember thinking about how I looked. When puberty hit my body changed and my perception of beauty began to change as well. By the time I was in college my weight had hit an all time high for my tiny frame, I was miserable beyond belief, and I was hiding an eating disorder. I can remember looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself that I would always be fat because it was impossible for my body to loose weight. I remember making excuses to everyone including myself. 

One night I was talking with my RA in the dinning hall and I found myself revealing the pain that I was harboring. Instead of judging me she loved me and for that I will always love her. She was an incredible friend who partnered with me on a very rough journey. After our conversation I prayed that I would no longer be controlled by what I looked like, but that I would control what I look like. The semester that followed was a time that healed me from the inside out. 

God's sense of humor is incredible. At the time in my life when I felt that I was to messed up to help anyone, he lead me to pursue leadership. The same semester that I openly admitted that I suffered from an eating disorder was the very same semester that I was hired to be an RA. Looking back this was such an incredible lesson, that I am still trying to grasp daily. God used me at a time when I was broken, he used me as a vessel for his glory. The amazing thing is that never changes. God uses the broken for his purposes, no story, no person is ever beyond being used by God if they are seeking him faithfully. 

My year in leadership was as much for me (if not more so) as it was for the girls that I ministered to. God healed me from the inside out and it was a very hard but beautiful journey. At the end of the year I felt closer to God than I had in many years, I was in college so I was exercising my mind, but I was still not balanced. Although perfectly content with who I was in Christ, I weighed even more than I had before admitting my eating disorder. I was not living life to the fullest.

Four weeks after my dad finished his last chemo treatment my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer for the 2nd time. This was a huge wake up call for me. Both my parents had battled cancer and I was   not even married yet. I took a look at myself in the mirror and knew that I wanted to give myself the best chance at life. I began my journey for a healthier me. Four months later I had lost a whole 10 pounds-I felt great and that Christmas my husband proposed to me!

As wedding plans began I was even more committed to reshaping my body. I lost an additional 30 pounds in a healthy way. On the morning of my wedding I saw the lowest number on the scale that I ever remember seeing. It was truly a moment where I knew God had answered my prayers. 

Just over a year later I have managed to keep the weight off which to me is a success. Now I am ready to take the next step towards a healthier me. My journey so far has taught me that beauty is not about what you look like, beauty is truly about who you reflect. My prayer is that each day of my journey God will be glorified.