After successfully loosing 30 pounds before walking down the aisle I have spent the majority of the last year maintaining my weight. It has been a journey that has brought joys and a lesson in beauty.
For as long as I can remember weight has been the most popular topic that my family and friends talk about. From the time I was little I can remember thinking about how I looked. When puberty hit my body changed and my perception of beauty began to change as well. By the time I was in college my weight had hit an all time high for my tiny frame, I was miserable beyond belief, and I was hiding an eating disorder. I can remember looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself that I would always be fat because it was impossible for my body to loose weight. I remember making excuses to everyone including myself.
One night I was talking with my RA in the dinning hall and I found myself revealing the pain that I was harboring. Instead of judging me she loved me and for that I will always love her. She was an incredible friend who partnered with me on a very rough journey. After our conversation I prayed that I would no longer be controlled by what I looked like, but that I would control what I look like. The semester that followed was a time that healed me from the inside out.
God's sense of humor is incredible. At the time in my life when I felt that I was to messed up to help anyone, he lead me to pursue leadership. The same semester that I openly admitted that I suffered from an eating disorder was the very same semester that I was hired to be an RA. Looking back this was such an incredible lesson, that I am still trying to grasp daily. God used me at a time when I was broken, he used me as a vessel for his glory. The amazing thing is that never changes. God uses the broken for his purposes, no story, no person is ever beyond being used by God if they are seeking him faithfully.
My year in leadership was as much for me (if not more so) as it was for the girls that I ministered to. God healed me from the inside out and it was a very hard but beautiful journey. At the end of the year I felt closer to God than I had in many years, I was in college so I was exercising my mind, but I was still not balanced. Although perfectly content with who I was in Christ, I weighed even more than I had before admitting my eating disorder. I was not living life to the fullest.
Four weeks after my dad finished his last chemo treatment my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer for the 2nd time. This was a huge wake up call for me. Both my parents had battled cancer and I was not even married yet. I took a look at myself in the mirror and knew that I wanted to give myself the best chance at life. I began my journey for a healthier me. Four months later I had lost a whole 10 pounds-I felt great and that Christmas my husband proposed to me!
As wedding plans began I was even more committed to reshaping my body. I lost an additional 30 pounds in a healthy way. On the morning of my wedding I saw the lowest number on the scale that I ever remember seeing. It was truly a moment where I knew God had answered my prayers.
